40. It's all connected: a conversation with Rita-Soledad Fernández-Paulino of Wealth Para Todos

I'm ending the year with a casual and enjoyable conversation with Soledad Fernández-Paulino (they/them), the founder and CEO of Wealth Para Todos, a money and self-care coaching company dedicated to empowering BIPOC, women, and LGBTQ+ communities.

The overall topic of our conversation was gender roles in the household and how we shift traditional household tasks from gender to skill set or personal preference. However, this conversation ended up flowing in so many wonderful directions, and we touched on so many different topics, including: 

• unconditional love versus unconditional acceptance
• the importance of living in safe and affirming spaces (and the importance of understanding the financial aspects of it)
• learning about gender expression and identity through our children

You can find Soledad at:
Instagram: @wealthparatodos
LinkedIN: www.linkedin.com/in/wealthparatodos
Website: https://www.wealthparatodos.com
Weekly Email Series: Todo Con Tiempo Tuesday
Free Mini-Course: How to Engage in D.I.V.E.R.S.E. Self-care

follow the podcast: theygaypodastforeveryone.com
Instagram: @thegaypodcast_foreveryone

Chapters

• 2:00 Welcome, Soledad
• 3:22 Coming out queer to family
• 4:22 Moms
• 6:44 Coming out unapologetically
• 8:14 Cities/Spaces where you feel free to be yourself
• 8:38 Unconditional love vs unconditional acceptance
• 10:16 Gender roles in the household
• 17:04 Equity in relationships
• 20:46 Mother-child dynamics
• 21:21 Learning about gender expression and identity with our kids
• 27:17 The financial cost of living in safe spaces
• 32:50 Where to find Soledad
• 34:36 Self-care is...

Transcript

[00:02:00] Welcome, Soledad

[00:02:00] Angela: Thank you for being here. I really appreciate it.

[00:02:03] Soledad: you so much for having me.

[00:02:04] Angela: , you know what I thought was a fun fact, which I, I didn't realize this about you till recently, but we are both eldest children of eldest children and in the LGBTQ community, which I'm sure like, you know, Impacts us somehow, some way, right?

[00:02:22] Soledad: 100 percent does,

[00:02:23] Angela: Uh,

[00:02:23] Soledad: but I'm not an eldest child. I'm

[00:02:26] Angela: you're not? I thought you were.

[00:02:29] Soledad: I like live like I'm one. That's why. 

[00:02:31] Angela: Oh, okay.

[00:02:34] Soledad: I'm actually the second, but my sister, she was the oldest and she was the first grandchild on both sides of the family. The first, like,

[00:02:46] Angela: Oh, okay.

[00:02:48] Soledad: she was raised, like, she wasn't even part of our family, like, Princesa, and so, so I think I have so many of the eldest, like, child traits, because I was the one who was kept, like, had to be, you know, Taking care of all my cousins and everyone and

[00:03:04] Angela: Oh, yes. Yeah.

[00:03:06] Soledad: but yeah, people always, like, in so many ways, I follow those accounts of like the first gen daughter and all of those accounts because

[00:03:14] Angela: Okay. Maybe that's where I got it from.

[00:03:16] Soledad: so seen in those, in those, uh, reels and those videos, but actually I'm not.

[00:03:22] Coming out queer to family

[00:03:22] Angela: Well, when it comes to you know, I said in the intro, which I know you haven't heard yet, but, uh, that, you know, you're a queer money coach. Can you share with me when was it that you embraced that word? And what was the experience like with your family, like with your siblings, your parents?

What was that like?

[00:03:38] Soledad: Horrible. It was so Um, I was years old, maybe 17. Wow. Not me, not knowing the exact age. That bothers me. I think I was 18, maybe I was 19. Okay. I don't remember the exact age. Uh, but.

[00:03:55] Angela: I get the same way.

[00:03:56] Soledad: was, I had finished my freshman year in college and I came home and I told my My sister and my brother and my cousins first that I was lesbian because back then we didn't even have like Bisexual we didn't even have queer like back then.

It was like you're straight or you're a lesbian It even like

[00:04:21] Angela: Yeah.

[00:04:22] Moms

[00:04:22] Soledad: And I remember them being like, no, you're not. , and, you know, to their defense, no, I wasn't, I wasn't really, I was queer. Right. however, that was their response. And I was just like, Oh, that's a weird thing to like, respond to someone to think like, you know,

[00:04:39] Angela: Right.

[00:04:40] Soledad: than what they know about themselves, but that's

[00:04:43] Angela: Yeah.

[00:04:43] Soledad: How my family is. told my mom she was pissed. Really, really, really, really pissed. She's grown so much since then that I won't even tell all the details of what that was like because I'm so proud of her growth and we could just celebrate the growth

[00:05:02] Angela: I love that. I love that so much. You have no idea because like so much of this podcast, you know, so many of the listeners and who this is for is for parents and for families. And so many times I hear, you know, well, I’ve done this or I said that things people regret right reactions you regret and You don't know the number of times that people who have joined me You know friends on the podcast have said exactly that of like well now here's where we're at now And yeah, those things happen.

And yes, I'm gonna remember them. But this is where we are now And you're celebrating it. And I love that you're just like, you know what?

[00:05:44] Soledad: It only took five years of therapy, but we're here now. If you would

[00:05:47] Angela: Hey,

[00:05:48] Soledad: the

[00:05:48] Angela: yeah.

[00:05:49] Soledad: last year, I probably, I probably wouldn't have answered the same, but it, but this version of me now, 

[00:05:55] Angela: Yeah.

[00:05:56] Soledad: feel the need to go back there. I'm really proud of my mom. You know,

but, um, I never told my dad and I told one of my tias who told me that I was so brave and she actually came out to me, but then didn't come out to anyone else in the family. And so I held on to that as like, Oh, no se habla ésto. Like it's 

[00:06:19] Angela: Yeah. 

[00:06:20] Soledad: it's

[00:06:20] Angela: We don't talk about it.

[00:06:21] Soledad: no one needs to know no one needs to

So I just had Spaces where people knew that I was queer and I had spaces where people did not know and I lived like that for a long time and then When it's actually kind of funny when my husband and I, I think in 2020, like we were kind of getting into, like, we were fighting a lot.

[00:06:44] Coming out unapologetically

[00:06:44] Soledad: It was the pandemic and we were talking about divorce and we were hadn't decided to go to couples therapy. I remember just like one day on Instagram, like kind of just like, saying I'm queer like in a post because I had

this thought of like, I don't want anyone to think that I, turned lesbian. Because of this relationship, like people need to know that I was always queer, but no one knows that because

[00:07:13] Angela: Oh, okay.

[00:07:14] Soledad: So let me just start

[00:07:15] Angela: Yeah.

[00:07:16] Soledad: now. so that happened like in like on Instagram or just like say I said it and my dad, he messaged me and he was like, so I have to find out these things on Instagram. And I was like, well, who cares? And, um, he was just like, he, he kind of read like that comment and he was like, how come you didn't tell me before? And I said, because when I told mom, she asked, and I didn't need to put myself through that again. And that was that,

[00:07:45] Angela: Well, let me ask you this. Like, so when you were 18 and you said you came out as lesbian at that time and then you fast forward and you marry a man, did anybody think you quote unquote,

[00:07:58] Soledad: married a man

[00:07:59] Angela: really?

[00:08:00] Soledad: Cause I got married

[00:08:01] Angela: Okay.

[00:08:01] Soledad: really young.

[00:08:04] Angela: Okay. Well, did anybody think, quote unquote, you turned straight? Do you know what I mean? Of like, Oh, you said you were a lesbian, but you're marrying a man.

How did,

[00:08:13] Soledad: No,

[00:08:13] Angela: was that conversation?

[00:08:14] Cities/Spaces where you feel free to be yourself

[00:08:14] Soledad: had that conversation with very few people in my family. Right. And, I never had the conversation again. I just never talked to them about it again, but in other spaces, like, you know, my friends, people who, and I also moved to New York City. So I was away from family. So 

[00:08:32] Angela: did I.

[00:08:32] Soledad: Um, and so during that time, and like other spaces and certain spaces, people knew, 

[00:08:38] Unconditional love vs unconditional acceptance

[00:08:38] Angela: Well, you feel safe in those places. Like New York specifically, like you just said, I moved to New York also. And like, there's just a freedom. Number one, you're, Being away from your family, which, you know, nothing against family or anything like that, but it's just freedom and certain spaces, like you said, where it's more comfortable to talk about things and you just know, you're not going to be judged or, you know, those are people who it's weird because unconditional love comes up and you're like, well, my family should have this unconditional love for me.

And then you're like, well, My friends, my chosen family has this unconditional love right off the bat. So then it gets a little confusing, cause you're like, well, shouldn't my family feel the same way? Like those things come up too.

[00:09:22] Soledad: for me, I never really thought in terms of unconditional love as much as unconditional acceptance. And considering that my

[00:09:29] Angela: Yes.

[00:09:30] Soledad: very critical of so many areas of my life, I think there was a part of me that was like, of course. Of course, they're going to be critical about this part too, because they also didn't like that.

I never wanted to wear my hair down or that. I always wanted to wear jeans and that I hated dresses. And I got a lot of commentary from my family about like not being feminine a lot and Oh, why aren't you in the kitchen cooking? And why don't you prefer this? And why are you always, you know? So I think that. Honestly, like I just dealt with so much, uh, criticism, I felt like for so

[00:10:05] Angela: Yeah.

[00:10:06] Soledad: that It hurt me, but it didn't break me I had just been used to a certain level of non acceptance.

[00:10:16] Gender roles in the household

[00:10:16] Angela: Yeah. So with your kiddo, especially your trans kiddo, well, both of them really, because I'm sure that like, you know, gender, gender topics come up, et cetera. And then, you know, you and your husband. I love that. You call him husbae. It's so cute you are the example for them of what gender roles in a household and gender roles in finances, what that looks like.

Do y'all have conversations about that, about. You know, who quote unquote has to do what, or specific things in the household.

[00:10:46] Soledad: No, because my,

[00:10:49] Angela: That's good. Right.

[00:10:53] Soledad: non-binary. My trans daughter, like, for a long time, identified as non binary too. We just don't split up things based on gender. I think we're more, we split up things based on interests and ease versus gender. And then we also all talk about like, there's things that we're, we don't like to do that sometimes we have to learn the skill to do it because. People who like to do it aren't always going to be around.

[00:11:26] Angela: Right.

[00:11:27] Soledad: that I think, you know, I'll be very specific. Like I hate cooking. don't, I hate cooking. I like making blueberry pancakes on a Saturday and Sunday morning. That's about it.

[00:11:38] Angela: Nice.

[00:11:38] Soledad: it.

[00:11:39] Angela: Yeah.

[00:11:39] Soledad: but I find the kitchen to be overstimulating, too noisy, the heat.

It's a lot to monitor at one time. I get kind of bored easily. And

it's not my vibe. My husband loves to cook, loves to cook, so like, and he's like an excellent cook. He makes like everything from scratch

[00:11:57] Angela: Nice.

[00:11:58] Soledad: My kids are so spoiled because they are used to having like home cooked bread. It's like amazing, right? 

[00:12:04] Angela: That sounds great.

[00:12:05] Soledad: I know. I remember when my kids, like, they were like, how come in all these TV shows, the moms always do the cooking and you never do the cooking? And I was like, Oh yeah, that's weird. How come the moms do always do the cooking? And they're like, do you think it's cause the pop was always traveling?

Because that's the only time my kids ever see me cook.

 And I was just like, maybe, but this is

[00:12:33] Angela: You're like, yeah, that's it. Yeah.

[00:12:35] Soledad: you

[00:12:36] Angela: Right. Right.

[00:12:37] Soledad: and,

[00:12:38] Angela: funny.

[00:12:39] Soledad: my kids will even be like, they, they know that like my husband used to leave us food when he would travel. Cause they would just like, mama doesn't like to cook.

And then mama would

[00:12:50] Angela: Yeah.

[00:12:51] Soledad: budget and look at all the finances to make sure that she can

[00:12:55] Angela: Right.

[00:12:55] Soledad: food just so she doesn't have to cook.

you

[00:13:00] Soledad: They just accept it.

[00:13:01] Angela: yeah. Well, it's so funny because for me being in a same sex relationship when I, especially when I first came out, like the question was always from just friends, you know, I mean, we were younger, so this is, I haven't gotten to the question yet, but I'm setting the context. So we were younger.

So This question was kind of bad, but they would be like, well, who's the man, you know, trying to figure out who, yes, exactly. And I was thinking the other day, I was like, It was so random. I was like, I'm so glad people don't ask this question anymore. Then I go on Threads and I see this person who is, I mean, they're younger, they're probably 25, 30 years old, maybe saying, how come people are always asking me who's the guy?

And I was like, Oh my gosh, this has not changed. This is crazy. And then I heard this podcast that when you and I touched base, I heard this podcast of a lesbian. Woman who like reached out to this finance person saying, I'm, in a relationship where there's kind of inequity financially. And because of the financial inequity, I feel like I have to do more household duties or what have you, or my role isn't as defined, you know, I'm seen as more of like, uh, I don't even know what the word is, but like, you know, this, this other person, my partner makes all the money.

So they have the, where the quote unquote power. Or that's how I feel. And the person who hosts the podcast was giving their answer and their lenses from a straight, you know, cishet relationship. And they were like, Oh, it must be so great being in a same sex couple, because things are so much easier.

And I like literally stopped. Yes. I literally stopped as I'm walking cause I'm like walking on a Sunday and I was like, no, I was like, they're so nuanced, you know, I wouldn't even say they're complex. I wouldn't say they're complicated or challenging.

They're just nuanced because for me, My partner, just like you don't like to cook, she doesn't like to cook either. And she also is like. I don't like the outdoors, so you can have all the outdoor stuff, please. And I don't mind it, but just because in a relationship, there's gotta be somebody who cooks.

There's gotta be somebody who does the finances and it doesn't matter what your gender is. I was just surprised to hear , I don't know, anybody's perception of like, there was so much gender in, you know, in that answer of like, Oh, well, two women, you know, your house must be so clean and everything, you know, stuff like that.

And I'm just like, what are you talking about?

[00:15:39] Soledad: Oh, people are so foolish, but you know, it's interesting because people have said the same thing about my husband and I asking who's, who's the man, who's the wife and

[00:15:47] Angela: Really?

[00:15:48] Soledad: And it's because you see, because of people like gendered stuff, right? Because I don't like cooking.

[00:15:53] Angela: Yeah.

[00:15:54] Soledad: doesn't know how to drive.

He grew up in the Bronx. Right. That's where we met.

[00:15:58] Angela: Okay. Yeah.

[00:15:59] Soledad: He doesn't want to learn how to drive. So I do all the driving. Uh, in the beginning of our relationship, I was the breadwinner. Now he's, he's more of the breadwinner, but I always do all the finances. He will always make sure that the kids have like their teeth Brushed and they're bathed. I will take care of like their hair and making sure that they have like the latest clothes. He will, we both play with the kids a lot, but we play in different forms. And so I think a lot of times people come to my house and they're just like, this is not like our TV shows with these like

[00:16:34] Soledad: like everything's just so if you ask me, it's so like our needs are being met like we're all like we're operating in our lane of

[00:16:44] Angela: Yeah,

[00:16:45] Soledad: Genius and our lane of preference really we get

[00:16:49] Angela: yes,

[00:16:50] Soledad: in our lane of preference. And yet,

[00:16:52] Angela: yeah,

[00:16:53] Soledad: that I've had to fight for that at times. Not so much from my partner, from other people, from other

[00:17:02] Angela: right,

[00:17:04] Equity in relationships

[00:17:04] Soledad: comments and saying things to me. So it's interesting because when we, I had complications with my first, um, pregnancy those complications left me bedridden and then I couldn't, work from 16 weeks of pregnancy all the way til it took me nine months after I had the baby. So there

[00:17:25] Angela: wow, yeah,

[00:17:27] Soledad: And it meant that I had to rely on my husband financially. And that was the first time I had to rely on anyone financially. And I felt so uncomfortable I felt that I had to carry my weight. And that meant that I had to do everything in the household because I wasn't working. And

[00:17:54] Angela: yeah,

[00:17:55] Soledad: concepts that I think, like, you know, we live in a society that's ableist, that is, obviously capitalist, patriarchal, you know, all of these things.

[00:18:05] Angela: right,

[00:18:06] Soledad: these ingrained things in our minds because someone would say, like, Well, actually, Sol, you had all these complications with your pregnancy.

You're not even able to walk without bleeding. While pregnant, like, you know, your partner is really going to have to step it up and do more in order to take care of you. And yet that wasn't what I thought. My partner did think that though, my partner did think like, baby, all you got to do is take care of you, take care of you. But it was so hard for me to receive that type of

[00:18:33] Angela: yeah,

[00:18:35] Soledad: And to go back to what you mentioned in the beginning, unconditional love, unconditional acceptance. It was hard for me to receive that because that wasn't something that was familiar to me. And so I thought like, I can't get used to this kindness because what if it's eventually just going to be taken away? And I think that was due to like certain family dynamics. And so the version of me now that can accept level of support and care and partnership that it's because of therapy.

[00:19:08] Angela: you mentioned a great word earlier to have like the expectations that other people have that are, you know, imposed on to you, similar thing happened just yesterday in a conversation with my partner. I, I'm sure she wouldn't mind me sharing this conversation we had, but you know, it was like, she was trying to figure out how she was going to pay for something that we've been together eight years. So it was surprising to me that she was like, well, I'm going to figure out how to pay for this.

And I was like, what are you talking about? We're, we're going to do this. So we started like unpacking some of that stuff and a lot of it, it was. You know, it was like, I'm not used to relying on somebody, even still, even eight years into something, you know, I'm not used to relying on anyone.

And. I think that, all that comes from our upbringing telling us, you need to take care of this on your own, or these are the roles you're expected to play. This is the stuff you're expected to do. I think.

[00:20:09] Soledad: You know, we live in a very individualistic society where there's like honor of somebody being able to take care of themselves versus

[00:20:18] Angela: mmmhmm.

[00:20:19] Soledad: having valuing collectivist communities. Right. And I think

[00:20:24] Angela: Yeah.

[00:20:26] Soledad: the one thing that's kind of like helps is that like a lot of Latino families, we do tend to be very like. family-oriented, it just gets tricky

[00:20:35] Angela: Yeah.

[00:20:35] Soledad: for those of us who are in the queer community because we have to deal with sometimes family estrangement

it's just like hard. It's tricky.

[00:20:46] mother-child dynamics

[00:20:46] Angela: for sure. It really is. And I would love to know, kind of just going back to something you said earlier about your mom . You said she was wonderful with your trans daughter. Was it that way immediately based on the history you and your mom shared, like was she immediately embracing of it or was there still a little bit of a journey?

I'm just curious if you don't mind sharing that,

[00:21:10] Soledad: it's actually pretty amazing My mom was embracing since day one. I think she took a little while to like 

[00:21:16] Angela: that's great.

[00:21:18] Soledad: Use the different pronouns. I think for a

[00:21:20] Angela: Mm-Hmm?

[00:21:21] Learning about gender expression and identity with our kids

[00:21:21] Soledad: like thought like oh He's a boy who likes to wear dresses. If he wants to wear dresses, let him wear dresses. If he wants flowers in his hair, cool.

If he wants to grow out his hair, cool. And that I just think was challenging for us as parents because we also didn't know. Like, you can be, you can be a boy who just likes to wear dresses, right? And so,

[00:21:41] Angela: Yeah.

[00:21:41] Soledad: until My child started kindergarten, and they created a self portrait of themselves at school, they were in a dress with long hair that I was like, maybe my child sees themselves differently, like maybe because my child would wear

[00:21:59] Angela: Yeah.

[00:22:00] Soledad: You know, like a sweatshirt, like the hoodie,

[00:22:04] Angela: Mm-Hmm

[00:22:05] Soledad: on their

[00:22:05] Angela: Yeah.

[00:22:06] Soledad: have like long hair and they just

[00:22:09] Angela: Oh, okay.

[00:22:10] Soledad: like, would like love wigs and all that kind of stuff and I just thought like, you know, they want long hair and then at the school that we sent, um, our children to amazing school, it's like dual language and they're also very, LGBTQ affirming. And so it was the teachers who were like, Hey, you might have, you know, a non binary child, and they even teach even in speaking in Spanish, using the they pronoun, which is tricky for me. It's tricky

for me, but, they teach

that at the school. And so very, gender inclusive. And it was then that I was like, okay.

And so we went through a journey of like, okay, maybe, maybe my child's he. And then they were like, no, they. And once they learned that language at school, they started saying that their pronouns were they. And then I also have a lot of friends who are, you know, are non binary plus like I was also at the time, probably a little sooner than my child also already thinking like, you know, I want to be identified with they pronouns too. And so my child did hear that. , and then we went through the period of like, they/she. We had some issues with a few teachers and we had people who would make comments to my husband. I think people knew not to say shit to me because I'm already like queer and like, like don't fucking say something to me.

But they would say stuff to my husband assuming that cis heterosexual. And I

even wonder like, are you? Right? Like if I'm, if I'm queer and I'm non binary, then that probably also like makes you queer. But like, you know, it's like

Yeah.

[00:23:50] Soledad: of the labels, but they would say things to him about my

[00:23:53] Angela: Mm.

[00:23:54] Soledad: Um, and be like, well, as the father, you know, don't you want to teach your, your child to be a man? And my husband would be like, so

[00:24:02] Angela: wow.

[00:24:03] Soledad: because he had never navigated like, homophobia, transphobia before, but you know,

[00:24:10] Soledad: racism, so a little, he had a little bit of like, oh, how do I set boundaries with

[00:24:15] Angela: Right.

[00:24:15] Soledad: line and just full of prejudice? Or, um, prejudice or, you know, bigotry, the whole thing. And so that was something that we had to navigate. But my mom, back to your original question, mom, when, When we started and we would check in with my child repeatedly, like every, like, you know, school year or whenever I was introducing them to new people, I was like, what pronouns do you want me to use? And so it was a journey and now they're just

like, use she, that's their primary pronoun.

[00:24:45] Angela: Yeah.

[00:24:46] Soledad: they, and my mom has just been a hundred percent good. A hundred percent

Very affirming, very loving.

[00:24:54] Angela: That's great.

[00:24:55] Soledad: that's been amazing.

[00:24:56] Angela: And so like you said, you were kind of coming to terms or more enveloping this queer identity or this term queer to represent yourself at the same time, your child's also going through this stuff. Like you're, you're kind of jumping in and going, yeah, I really want to embrace this word more than I have before.

Did they kind of Give you, I don't know, I don't know if it's like push or the, or the, I need to show up and be this example also. Was there anything that was, I don't know, what was your mindset? I'm curious.

[00:25:28] Soledad: time, um, well, I told you how the reason why I said I was queer was because I was like, if I end up divorced, I don't want anyone to think like, oh my goodness, I switched. So that was just, I

[00:25:39] Angela: Yeah.

[00:25:39] Soledad: little impulsive ADHD ness that, made that action and like did that. And that was still when my kids were, little when I did that. Cause at that time when my child was six, At that time, I think I started to, I just remember like starting to celebrate Pride month with my kid and like

[00:26:02] Angela: Yeah.

[00:26:02] Soledad: my kid. It was probably more a safety thing, honestly, where I was just like, Hey, you know, look at the pride flag, make sure that you're, you know, you see this space, this is like a safe space. not everybody believes that. know, it's okay for people to be in a relationship with somebody that's their same sex or same, just having those kinds of conversations. I live in LA, but you

[00:26:27] Angela: Yeah.

[00:26:28] Soledad: to different places. And so I think very young, I was teaching my child, like, know, let's go to places that have this flag because it's more likely that they'll also have an all-gendered restroom. And so in those conversations, I just started like making my child know it's like a safe space and then also talking to them about like the rainbow alliance. That's what we call, the LGBT community for my child or my children. We call it the rainbow alliance. And I just wanted to

[00:26:57] Angela: Nice.

[00:26:57] Soledad: like proud. who they were and I wanted them to be able to recognize the other people in, in the city, in an environment that were also part of the community. And so my child would be able to be like, Oh my God, there's the trans flag. Oh, there's, you know, there's the LGBTQ plus flag and they started to notice it.

[00:27:17] The financial cost of living in safe spaces

[00:27:17] Soledad: And I think it was just very affirming for them. then we're lucky, right? We live in LA. Well, I shouldn't say we're lucky because I think we're lucky. I purposely planned my finances so that we could live in L. A. so that my child can have these types of

[00:27:29] Angela: Yeah. That's exactly what I was just about to ask you. It's so funny. Um, living in a space that is safe and affirming or has examples, et cetera, sometimes comes with a price tag like Los Angeles, you know, or New York, things like that. Even right now with political climate right now, you know, my partner and I, we very much have the conversations of we're in Texas, you know, are we going to stay here? What does this look like? You know, you have to start thinking in terms of finances to a certain degree, because it is freedom to

Pick up and go if you need to and to find safety and but not everybody has that and so then sometimes you also have To say well, what are the things I need to do in order to line everything up so that I can Have certain freedoms in the future.

[00:28:25] Soledad: I mean, it's a big reason why

[00:28:26] Angela: Yeah,

[00:28:27] Soledad: I got so intentional about our finances and a lot of like my motivation to reach certain financial goals. Like one thing that I'm really focused on is I want to be able to buy a duplex in Los Angeles Because I want both my kids to always know that they have a home in LA. They can choose not to live there. They can choose not to, to be in that space. But I just want, I want them to have that. I want them to know that because when you said Texas, I gasped because,

[00:28:59] Angela: I know

[00:29:00] Soledad: of the anti-trans legislation. And it's not just

[00:29:02] Angela: I Know

[00:29:03] Soledad: Like there are, there are

[00:29:05] Angela: yeah.

[00:29:06] Soledad: this country that me as a parent would be. Targeted against, you know, 

I've had friends who have picked up and moved their family because their children are trans and you know It's wonderful that they have the means to do it, A, and B are, such wonderful parents who would go to any length to say, we can't be here because it's not safe for you. It's horrible that it has to be that way.

[00:29:34] Angela: But yeah, I know what you mean about Texas and the anti trans bill. Yeah, absolutely.

[00:29:39] Soledad: yeah, I know

[00:29:40] Angela: Horrible reality.

[00:29:41] Soledad: it's funny because whenever I post about purchasing a home online and how much I have saving to be able to buy a property in Los Angeles and The -

[00:29:52] Angela: Yeah.

[00:29:53] Soledad: percent for a 1. 5 million dollar home. That's just gonna be a three bedroom everybody Just going to be a three bedroom with like 1, 500 square feet, but that's, you know, 

[00:30:03] Angela: Yeah.

[00:30:03] Soledad: $1.5 million in LA. And people will be like, move to Georgia, move to Texas, come over here. And I'm like,

tell me you're like trans legislation. You just share.

[00:30:14] Angela: Right.

[00:30:15] Soledad: like, if you're going to tell me to come to this other state, that's more affordable, please also let me know that, my child, that I will have certain rights.

No. Okay. Then callense like,

[00:30:26] Angela: Right. Because topics of gender and, you know, within your own home are one thing, and then topics of that outside of your home and in the legislation and laws around you, quite another, you know?

[00:30:42] Soledad: And it gets

[00:30:43] Angela: Yeah.

[00:30:43] Soledad: too, because not only do we have like the, me, the queer individual, my child, the trans individual, non-binary, but then we also have my husband and my son who are black. And so then we also have the race perspective. And so it's interesting

[00:31:00] Angela: Yeah.

[00:31:01] Soledad: spaces, the amount of privilege that I have due to the color of my skin or the assumptions because of, know, whiteness, right?

And then

[00:31:11] Angela: Yeah.

[00:31:12] Soledad: the privilege that my husband will have because of cis heteronormativity,

you know, and

[00:31:19] Angela: That's so true.

[00:31:20] Soledad: we're always like navigating in places of like, Oh, where do we send the kids to school? We want to make sure that the school is going to be affirming, not just for our trans child, but also for our black child.

And it’s expensive.

[00:31:34] Angela: Wow. Yeah. That's what I was gonna say. All of that comes into the budget for sure, which I'm glad we did get to, you know, I'm so appreciative that you came and joined me to talk about, this topic, this really big topic of gender roles in the house and you know, how we're trying to, and in finances and trying to kind of weed that out and do 

[00:31:54] Soledad: hmm.

[00:31:58] Angela: what feels good to you and take, remove gender out, which is something that I just want to share with the fox who are listening. 

[00:32:04] Soledad: Mm

[00:32:08] Angela: you can remove gender, you know, that's just a construct.

You can remove that, maybe your kid doesn't like to cook. And that doesn't mean anything. All these things are meaningless. It's just who they are, period. But I'm also glad we got to touch on finances because that is your space. That's why I follow you on social media. You know, I learned so much from you and I definitely don't want this conversation to end until You share a little bit about what you do with Wealth Para Todos, which I love the name, by the way, cuz gay podcast for everyone.

Um, but if you don't mind sharing what you do so that folks know what you do and where to find you also,

[00:32:50] Where to find Soledad

[00:32:50] Soledad: Well, everybody, you can find me on Instagram at Wealth Para Todos, could go to my website, wealthparatodos. com and subscribe to my weekly email called Todo Con Tiempo Tuesdays. And you're going to find information about my services as a money and self-care coach, but also just like my philosophies around using money as a tool to support our wellness. A lot of us, sometimes we think that we're bad with money and I make the argument, you're not bad with money,

You're bad with self care and you have to learn. You have to learn how to take care of yourselves. I have a framework of the seven types of self care that keep us wealthy and healthy. And I teach that to my clients because I find that the more resilience You feel the more calm and grounded and well that you are, the easier it is for you to increase your income.

So then you have the extra cash flow to save more, spend more, pay off debt and invest more.

[00:33:49] Angela: well, and I love the way that you talk about it. And I hope that people do. I mean, I'm sure so many people know about you already-Hello, but anybody who doesn't, when they find you and they follow you, they'll really understand that you talk about like really healing certain parts and you talked about therapy earlier 

and sometimes that comes with, you know, dollar amount that maybe you're not comfortable with and you need to kind of like work through the emotional stuff and the financial aspects so that you can kind of break through and then you can connect with your loved one. I mean, it all intertwines all the dots connect. So it's really important That's why I've had you know folks like you who talk about money and talk about queer spaces because it Does matter it is a thing

[00:34:36] Self-care is...

[00:34:36] Soledad: Yeah. Okay. I have to tell you this story. So

[00:34:38] Angela: Okay.

[00:34:39] Soledad: first, reason why I decided to go to therapy five years ago was because I started to have PTSD flashbacks I didn't know that they were PTSD flashbacks at the time. I just knew that during the day I would start to be, uh, it would be in the middle of the day and I would think that I was back to when I was younger, when I had experienced certain traumas. And I think it was being sparked because my child was about to start school and my trauma happened at school

[00:35:06] Angela: Okay.

[00:35:07] Soledad: And so that's when I was like, Oh, you know. I think I should go to therapy. I think my husband was the one who was like, Hey, I think you should go to therapy. And so I looked up a therapist and I thought the only way I'm going to be able to go to therapy is if I find someone who can see me at 3:30 so that I get out of work.

I go see the therapist at 3:30 and then I'm home by five o'clock when my childcare ends. And they need to be very close by because I only have a little bit of time to get to the therapist's office. So I searched for a therapist just based on two things: How close they were to me in Echo Park in LA and then also, whether they had EMDR experience because I had read online that EMDR was, Oh, no, I didn't read it online. My principal had told me about, Hey, so I think you might have PTSD. Hey, so I think EMDR would help you. So I do a search. I find somebody in my neighborhood. It was going to cost 200 an hour to meet with them.

[00:36:07] Angela: Oh my gosh

[00:36:08] Soledad: okay, I could do 200 an hour, and I went and I like started to talk and they were like, we need to slow down. This is not something that you're just going to like come into a visit and This is going to take time. And she was like, you might need to be in therapy for over a year. And I was like, over a year, how's that?

And I was like, and how frequently do you expect to like,

[00:36:34] Angela: Right.

[00:36:34] Soledad: And she was like, I would say at least once a week. I was like 800 a month over a whole year. Like, there's no way I'm going to be able to afford this. And they were out of, like, they

[00:36:46] Angela: Yeah.

[00:36:47] Soledad: insurance. It was going to require like, um, I submit a super bill at the end of the year and then, Oh, at the end of the month.

And then I go to my insurance company and they reimbursed me. And so I was like, I don't know. I don't know. And I was like, well, and I almost, almost Angela was like, well, I guess I'm not meant to be in therapy. Isn't that crazy?

[00:37:06] Angela: Whoa.

[00:37:07] Soledad: so crazy? And

[00:37:08] Angela: Yeah.

[00:37:09] Soledad: I had that thought and I was just like, well, it's not like I know anybody who's in therapy, like no one I know.

So it's not even like if I could go and talk to people and be like, Hey, do you have somebody what's the referral? And, um, I had come back to my, my principal and my principal was like, try your insurance. I call your insurance and they can connect you with somebody. But these are all things that I wasn't aware of.

I didn't know, like this is how you do things.

[00:37:34] Angela: Right. And 

Right.

[00:37:35] Soledad: sure enough, I call I'm connected to someone that was in the neighborhood. And there was somebody who was doing like a sliding scale for them it was 50 hour, but my insurance did cover it. And then I would just have to pay like a, like a copay. And actually in the beginning I always tell people I get to go to therapy for it. Free because my insurance actually covered the

[00:37:58] Angela: Yeah.

[00:37:59] Soledad: What's really cool is I was with that therapist

[00:37:59] Angela: Nice.

[00:38:00] Soledad: for five years. And as my wellness increased, so did my income. And so by the time I 

[00:38:07] Angela: Yeah.

[00:38:08] Soledad: finished with that therapist, I was paying 200 an hour. And I love that so much for me, and I love that so much

[00:38:17] Angela: Yeah.

[00:38:17] Soledad: for them because I thought, what a nice journey that like,

as I, as I healed and I had the capacity to focus on increasing my income, also able

[00:38:27] Angela: Mm hmm.

[00:38:28] Soledad: her.

[00:38:28] Angela: and then it also has a trickle down effects to your family and for being present when your child, goes to school and draws this photo and you're able to connect with it. Like it's all connected. It's. That's amazing.

[00:38:42] Soledad: that

[00:38:43] Angela: It's all connected.

[00:38:44] Soledad: this podcast episode. It is all connected.

[00:38:47] Angela: That's right. I love it. I really wish this conversation didn't have to end. I know you're so busy, but this has been really fun. And I,

[00:38:56] Soledad: If you get any questions or anything from anybody who wants to hear more, invite me back and I'll come back and talk again.

[00:39:01] Angela: I will, I would love that. I would love that. Thank you for, for being here with me. I loved it. It's awesome.